The Intersection of Patriarchal Culture, Enmeshment, and Narcissism in South Asian Couples.
In many South Asian households, phrases like these are often passed down by elders:
“Shaadi ke baad beta badal gaya hai.” (After marriage, our son has changed.)
“Ab tum hamari beti ho, tumharey ma baap ki nahi.” (You’re now our daughter, not your parents’)
“Biwi ka ghulaam.” (Servant to his wife.)
At first, these lines may seem harmless—even humorous. But over time, they create a deep, unconscious narrative in many South Asian men—one that equates emotional attunement with weakness. In the therapy room, I often observe how this gendered worldview is protected and rationalized by the phrase “It’s just our culture.”
When Culture Becomes Control
One of the most common patterns I see in South Asian couples is control being disguised as culture.
The language is soft:
“She needs to adjust.”
“That’s just our culture.”
But the impact is sharp.
The wife feels silenced. Her needs are dismissed. And the husband often doesn’t realize how deeply his behavior is rooted in systems designed to center him and his parents.
Underneath these patterns, I typically see three overlapping dynamics:
Patriarchy, which assigns power and authority to men
Narcissism, which demands admiration and reacts defensively to criticism
Enmeshment, particularly between the son and his parents—blurring emotional boundaries and leaving the wife outside the emotional core
How These Three Reinforce Each Other
When these dynamics coexist, they don’t just add up—they amplify one another.
Patriarchy gives the husband a cultural script that legitimizes control: he’s the provider, the protector, the decision-maker.
Narcissism reinforces that script by making any disagreement seem as an attack on him.
Enmeshment complicates it further, especially when the son has been raised to prioritize his parents’ emotional comfort over his partner’s, in the absence of empathy.
He may genuinely believe he’s being dutiful—but in reality, his wife is emotionally exiled from her own marriage.
Enmeshment: When Loyalty Replaces Partnership
Many South Asian sons are raised to be emotionally fused with their parents. Their sense of identity is shaped by not disappointing them, always being available, and never setting boundaries. After marriage, this pattern often continues.
When the wife asks for emotional presence, privacy, or partnership, she’s seen as threatening the family bond.
Phrases like:
“They’re not trying to control you, it’s how they show love”
“You need to have patience?” “Just Ignore their negative comments”
...aren’t necessarily about her—they reflect the internal conflict (my parents vs my wife) the husband has never been encouraged to name, let alone resolve.
In this setup, it becomes nearly impossible to form a true two-person emotional system, because the husband remains emotionally entangled with his family of origin.
🖼 The Wife as a Shadow in the Family Portrait
In many of these marriages, the wife is technically “in the picture”—but not truly part of the frame.
Emotionally, the husband and his parents make up the “real” family. They are the ones in focus—connected and protected. The wife, meanwhile, is more like a faint silhouette or blurred background figure.
She’s the one who has to assimilate, and fulfill duties, she’s physically present—but her emotional voice is missing.
She is visible—but not recognized.
Present—but not prioritized. Spoken to—but rarely listened to.
This exclusion is not always loud or cruel—it’s often quiet and passively aggressive. But over time, it erodes her sense of self. Many women begin to question whether their needs matter at all. Unconsciously, she’ll even test the husband by creating a circumstance in which he has to choose, just to confirm her hunch about where her husbands loyalty lies.
When Honoring Parents Becomes a Way to Control the Marriage
In South Asian culture, caring for parents is sacred—and rightly so. Parents sacrifice deeply, and that bond deserves respect.
But it’s important to note, this value is misused too—not as love, but as leverage. It becomes a way to deflect accountability, and preserve the sons loyalty to his family of origin.
A wife’s emotional needs are dismissed in the name of “filial duty.”
Any boundary she tries to set with in-laws is framed as disrespect.
The husband, trapped in guilt and cultural expectation, sees advocating for his wife as betrayal or fears being judged as, “biwi ka gulam”.
What begins as devotion to one’s parents becomes emotional triangulation—with the wife cast as the outsider in her own home.
This is not about choosing the wife and abandoning the parents.
It’s about realizing that marriage requires a change in family dynamics with a new emotional system, where:
Parents are honored with love and dignity
The wife is prioritized in emotional intimacy and daily decision-making
Boundaries are set without guilt or shame
This is not abandoning your values—it’s maturing them to hold more than one truth at the same time.
A healthy marriage doesn’t require you to abandon the family of origin, but rather transitioning to new family system while allowing the family of origin to make adjustments to the new dynamics.
It asks you to show up more fully for your partner—without guilt, without emotional fusion, and without hierarchy.
What the Research Says
Research supports the overlap between patriarchy, narcissism, and enmeshment in relational dynamics:
A meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin found that men score higher in narcissism—especially entitlement and authority—traits often normalized in patriarchal environments (Grijalva et al., 2015).
Gender-role traditionalism, commonly reinforced in South Asian culture, has been linked to poorer mental health outcomes and reduced marital satisfaction among women (Mahalingam & Balan, 2013).
Enmeshment, according to Minuchin’s family systems theory, occurs when boundaries are overly diffuse—leading to guilt-driven loyalty and identity confusion, especially in collectivist cultures like South Asia (Minuchin, 1974).
Real-Life Impact
Here’s what it often looks like:
A deep alliance forms between the husband and his parents, with the wife feeling emotionally excluded
Any attempt she makes to establish boundaries is seen as rebellion
Her emotional health deteriorates—and often, so does her physical health
In families with children, they often become emotional soothers or silent observers.
They witness emotional avoidance or dominance—and carry those patterns forward into their own relationships.
The home lacks harmony.
The couple drifts.
And partnership becomes performance.
What Therapy Can Do
Therapy helps couples repaint that portrait—with mutual presence, shared focus, and emotional equality.
Culturally informed therapy isn’t about rejecting tradition—it’s about disentangling harmful patterns from the values that truly matter.
Therapy helps couples:
Rebuild emotional boundaries
Learn to listen without defensiveness
Differentiate love from guilt-based loyalty
Create a marriage where both partners feel safe, heard, and emotionally respected
It also helps men. Many carry the unspoken burdens of generational expectation—taught that emotion is weakness, obedience is love, and control is respect.
That’s not culture.
That’s emotional isolation in disguise.
You are not alone.
Therapy can help empower you and your partner to honor tradition while building your own emotionally attuned system—one with love, safety, and boundaries.
