The Intersection of Patriarchal Culture, Enmeshment, and Narcissism in South Asian Couples.
If you’re South Asian, you’ve probably heard of phrases like, “Shaadi ke baad beta badal gaya hai.” (After marriage, our son has changed), or “Biwi ka ghulaam.” (Servant to his wife). They may seem harmless or even humorous, but over time they create a deep, unconscious narrative in most South Asian men—one that equates emotional attunement with weakness. In the therapy room, I often observe how this gendered worldview is protected and rationalized by the phrase “That’s just our culture.”
When Culture Becomes Control
One of the most common patterns I see in South Asian couples is control being disguised as culture.
The language is soft:
“She needs to adjust.”
“That’s just our culture.”
But the impact is sharp and augments a systemic issue stemming from the South Asian patriarchal culture.
A system that is designed to keep the wife and her desires secondary when compared to the husband and his parents.
Underneath these patterns, I typically see three overlapping and interdependent dynamics:
Patriarchy, which assigns power and authority to men
Narcissism, which demands admiration, and compliance while resisting disagreements from the wife.
Enmeshment, particularly between the son and his parents—blurring emotional boundaries and leaving the wife outside the emotional core
How These Three Reinforce Each Other
When these dynamics coexist, they don’t just add up—they intensify one another.
Patriarchy hands the husband a script that legitimizes control: he is the provider, the protector, the decision-maker.
Narcissism layers onto that script, making any disagreement from his spouse feel like a personal attack.
Enmeshment keeps his emotional loyalty tightly tied to his parents, where differentiation feels like abandonment rather than growth.
From the husband’s perspective, he may genuinely believe he is being dutiful and loving toward his parents.
From the wife’s perspective, it often feels like her place in the marriage is uncertain—her needs quietly sliding into the background as family loyalty takes center stage.
Enmeshment: Loyalty to Parents over Partnership
Many South Asian sons are raised to be emotionally fused with their parents. Their sense of identity is shaped by not disappointing them, always being available, and never setting boundaries. After marriage, this pattern often continues when enmeshment between the parents and the son continues.
When the wife asks for emotional presence, privacy, or equity in the partnership, she’s seen as threatening the family bond.
Phrases like:
“They’re not trying to control you, it’s how they show love”
“You need to have patience and adjust to our ways?” “Just Ignore their negative comments”
...aren’t necessarily about her—they reflect the internal conflict (‘my parents vs my wife’) which the husband has never been encouraged to name, let alone resolve.
In this setup, it becomes nearly impossible to form a true intimate emotional partnership. The husband remains emotionally entangled and enmeshed with his family of origin-and the wife, emotionally isolated.
This exclusion is not always loud or cruel—it’s often quiet and passive. But over time, it can erode her sense of self. Many women begin to question whether their needs matter at all.
Resisting Adjustment to Changing Family Dynamics
In South Asian culture, caring for parents is sacred—and rightly so. Parents sacrifice deeply, and that bond deserves respect.
But it’s important to note, this value is misused too—not as love, but as leverage. It becomes a way to deflect accountability, and preserve control.
A wife’s emotional needs are dismissed in the name of “filial duty.”
Any boundary she tries to set with in-laws is framed as disrespect or rebellious.
The husband, pressured with cultural expectation, sees advocating for his wife as betrayal towards his parents and fears being judged as, “biwi ka gulam”.
What begins as devotion to one’s parents becomes emotional triangulation—with the wife cast as the outsider in her own home.
This is not about choosing the wife and abandoning the parents.
It’s about realizing that marriage requires adjustments to changing family dynamics with a new emotional system, where:
Parents are honored with love and dignity
The wife is prioritized in emotional intimacy and daily decision-making
Boundaries are set without guilt or shame
This is not abandoning values—it’s maturing them to hold more than one truth at the same time.
A healthy marriage doesn’t require abandoning the family of origin, but rather transitioning to new family system while allowing the family of origin to make adjustments to the new dynamics.
It asks you to show up more fully for your partner—without guilt, without emotional fusion, and without hierarchy. Creating a more evolved relational management system has to be a conscious and intentional journey.
What the Research Says
Research supports the overlap between patriarchy, narcissism, and enmeshment in relational dynamics:
A meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin found that men score higher in narcissism—especially entitlement and authority—traits often normalized in patriarchal environments (Grijalva et al., 2015).
Gender-role traditionalism, commonly reinforced in South Asian culture, has been linked to poorer mental health outcomes and reduced marital satisfaction among women (Mahalingam & Balan, 2013).
Enmeshment, according to Minuchin’s family systems theory, occurs when boundaries are overly diffuse—leading to guilt-driven loyalty and identity confusion, especially in collectivist cultures like South Asia (Minuchin, 1974).
What Therapy Can Do:
Rebuild emotional boundaries
Learn to listen without defensiveness
Differentiate love from guilt-based loyalty
Help both partners feel comfortable process vulnerable feelings.
Build confidence as partners to discuss sensitive topics and make decisions as a unit.
Therapy can help empower you and your partner to honor tradition and care for parents while building your own emotionally attuned system—one with love, safety, and healthy boundaries.
